“Your silence will not protect you.”
-Audre Lorde
Sophomore year, 2015. I was failing three of my five classes, I was barely going to class, and my mental health was declining. At home, I couldn't find the strength to discuss my problems. I just cried, screamed, and argued. All arguments started and ended the same way.
"Why is attending class so hard for you"
"Do you want us to transfer you? Is that what you want?"
I didn't want to transfer. Even though, it seemed like the better choice, I didn't want to. To be in a new environment surrounded by new people was anxiety inducing for me. To my parents, they saw my high school as the cause of my panic attacks and absences. Honestly, I didn't know the source of my panic attacks until my senior year. But, I continued to attend my high school despite my health.
December of 2015. First week of December and I was called into my teacher's office. I couldn't avoid it as his classroom was my homeroom. He asked me why was my grade so low and why wasn't I speaking during discussion. I expressed my anxiety and fear of speaking up to him and he listened. He understood my anxiety and said if I ever felt too anxious, I can ask to step outside. On the contrary, he asked why was I failing the daily reading quizzes. I admitted I was being lazy and didn't annotate to my best ability. He suggested I attend office hours to work on my annotations. A great part of me wanted to attend in order to fix my grade, but I didn't want to waste my time in a place I struggled to find peace in. As my teacher waited for my response, I sighed and responded
"I'm sorry, I have other responsibilities at home. I can try another day though."
I lied to my teacher that day to avoid bettering myself. He saw through my lie and continued to ask more and more. I continued to lie and make excuses for myself. I was getting annoyed as I was going to miss my bus, so I asked if we can talk about this in the morning. He agreed and I went on my way. Walking down the stairs, I realized how dumb I was. I lied just to lay at home and let myself fail this class. I wanted to run back upstairs and reschedule with my teacher, but it was too late. I was already waiting for the bus to head home. When I arrived home, I worked on homework with no effort or motivation. I disappointed myself. I disappointed my parents. I disappointed my teachers. That night I cried myself to sleep wishing I could be better.
Days went by after that incident and I tried to avoid my teacher at all costs. I lowered my head when he asked for attendees, I hid my work to avoid discussion, and I walked opposite sides of the halls. Still struggling, I still didn't ask for help. I didn't want to seem 'dumb' or show my struggles to my teachers. I let myself fail because of my mindset. All that changed that evening. I was heading home on my last bus and got off at my normal stop. There was snow on the grass and some on the floor. I struggled to walk fast with my dress shoes on, therefore, I walked slower than usual. I had one headphone in and one out, just in case. I turned the corner into my block and a man followed right behind me. I stared at him and tried to pick up the pace. He caught my motion and started to talk to me. I tried to avoid his questions, but I felt if I answered he'll leave me alone. I answered and lied that I was on the phone. He ignored and continued to talk to me. I was shaking with every response I said. He was still following me and I still had another block to go. Every step felt like an hour. He was sexualizing me. He asked about my age, my body, my attractions, my face, everything. I lied and said I was 14. He said I can't be that young with a body like that. I said I'm not into older people. He said he can change that. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go home.
He was from the neighborhood and a senior in high school, he mentioned. He kept eyeing my body. I couldn't understand how he found me attractive. I was wearing loose khaki pants with my high school crew neck on. He kept asking for my phone number, but I kept saying no. I was praying every step that he would leave me alone. My home was still another block away. I don't know how could leave without him following me. We made it to the corner of the block and he looked at me. I was still shaking and questioning what was going to happen next. We were only a few steps away from the alley and I feared the worst. I'm not strong enough to fight him off. He looked at me and said his goodbyes. I waved as he walked into another block. I took off both my earbuds and placed my phone to my chest. I kept looking back to make sure he wasn't following. As soon as I made it home, I ran into my bathroom to cry. I texted my friends in the middle of my panic attack on what happened. They reassured me they will figure out who he was. My friends suggested I should start carrying a pen on me or keys to defend myself. I started to cry louder thinking about protection from now on. In the midst of everything, I decided to email my teachers on what happened. I wasn't so close with them, but I felt I needed to email them.
"i couldnt control myself and i been having panic attacks since i got home and i dont know who to relay on, and you two are the only ones who i can trust... just dont know what to do and why me, i feel it was just horrible and wished i could never re-live it."
December 14, 2015, 8:15pm
I sent my teachers an email that night. I was still panicking and scared. I was afraid to go on that bus. I was afraid to walk that route again. I was afraid. I didn't want to tell my parents in fear of not being believed. I was already lying to them and this may seem as another excuse to miss school to them. Twelve minutes passed and I received an email from my first teacher. He expressed sadness and support for me, but forwarded his number in case I needed it. My second teacher emailed me shortly after and expressed support for me. She offered some advice on how to defend myself and if I need someone to talk to, I'm just a email/walk away. I emailed back with a thank you and went to sleep shortly after. I cried myself to sleep and hoped tomorrow will be a better day.
I walked into class with my emotions on extreme high. We were given our reading quiz and I tried my hardest to focus. While focusing, my teacher went up to me and asked if everything's okay. I just shook my head and continued with my quiz. To my surprise, I got all the questions correct. As my teachers were grading my quiz, they put a smiley face on my paper. I smiled as they handed me my paper back. They both patted my back and said good job. One of my classmates questioned why did I get a smiley face and he didn't. It made me laugh since it was a silly question, but deep down I knew why. I haven't passed not one quiz and for me to pass a quiz a day after I was harassed surprised me. I spent the entire day wondering how did I pass and kept looking back at the quiz to make sure I did pass.
The day ended and as I was sitting in the bus, I reflected about myself. I thought about my emotions for the day and my mental health. I walked in school stressed and sad, but I left feeling motivated and stress-free. My mental health wasn't the best, but at least I wasn't feeling empty anymore. When I got home, I talked to my mom about what happened. She suggested I take a different bus route home and I should text her when I'm on the bus. I listened and followed her advice. While doing homework that night, I made sure to provide extra detail in my annotations. I wanted to pass another quiz like I did before. I haven't felt this much motivation in forever and I wanted it to continue.
Laying down in bed that night, I finally realized what motivated me. I sent my teachers an email during my weakest point. I couldn't take the pain and all I wanted was support. When I finally received that support, I was able to see that I am capable of receiving care without judgement. I let myself believe that I couldn't ask for help nor seek support because I didn't want to be judged. From that moment on, I started to ask my teachers for help with homework and mental health. I received support in and out of class. It didn't matter how big or small the problem was, I still got the support I needed. Whenever we read a new piece for class, I would put more effort into the reading and understand what the author was trying to convey. Even if it took all night, I made sure to understand each and every reading.
We read countless pieces on various topics by various authors. We discussed racism, homophobia, classism, and sexism. I learned new beliefs and how structures were built to enforced those beliefs. With various topics being taught, there was one common attribute found in each topic: writing. Each author was expressing their thoughts and research onto writing. Not only did that inspire me into writing my own pieces, but also reflect my beliefs and how did that translate into my mindset. As a result, I began to research the authors I read in class. Authors like Audre Lorde, bell hooks, and Ta-Nehisi Coates inspired me to dive deep into my beliefs and recognize my privileges. I wanted to tell my stories and research topics that resonate with me.
From that moment on, I began to write in my journals. Either if it was a short story or my thoughts about a certain topic. I used this opportunity to start journaling my mental health and focusing on my emotions. From there on, I started to write everyday and research on anything that peaks my interest. This continued on into this year where I do find myself buying more notebooks and going into new fields of writing. Just last year I joined a music publication where I began to write reviews on albums, EP's, and singles. I never thought that I would be a published writer online. If I were to tell sophomore me what I've accomplished so far, I would possibly cry.
To answer my question on why do I write, it's to express who I truly am. I let myself be stuck in my own head for so long that finally expressing my thoughts and educating myself, I can finally be free. With every article and piece I write, I find myself filled with happiness and success. I hope to continue on with my writing career and become the person I truly am.